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| But I obviously mishear things. Or something but I'm incredibly sorry either way. I didn't mean to frustrate you and disappoint you if that's what I did.. I don't know. But yeah continuing on.. I have no idea how long this will be I'm jus gonna keep writing. Hopefully it won't all be pointless and hope there's a general meaning I'm trying to say so let the typing begin hah.
Okay so I liked this morning. I like hearing you sound the way you do when you miss me. Makes me feel loved. =] Because aside from that I feel pretty sick and my stomach is still hurting and I'm sitting in the dark also I need to brush my teeth. So if you were here I don't think I'd let you kiss me =P I woke up with my cat right beside my head so that explains the morning allegies because usually I lock her out but yeh. Hmm forecast for today I HOPE so bad that there won't be any bad communication.. because yesterday that was just bad, I was so off. I think I need to lay off and stop trying so hard.. iono because I thought it was a time you needed me and I thought I needed to show I was there for you. But in return you were doing the same and it just clashed. I guess I just wasn't use to trying to comfort me during school heh usually my problems I just look passed and forget but you didn't, you wanted to help and I wasn't aware of that. Because I have to try hard in thee worst ways and think that I have to help you but don't let you return the favor.. for that I am really sorry. Makes me feel bad.. >.<
Hmm right at this moment it is 6:33am been on the phone with you for 4 mins well house phone. As I said I like when you called although I hope I don't run into the issue of going over my minutes, cuz I call you a lot heh but thas okay and fuck I'm so sick I can't even focus properly. That reminds me of being in school. Honestly I am getting myself no where. I want to drop out.. so bad. but I just can't. Not allowed for me. I wonder each day what the hell happened to me and I put myself down for it so much. I feel like such a lost cause but then that's where you come in to just show me that even though I can't quite predict the future in what's going to happen to me educational wise but you make me wanna try. Even if my best isn't good enough I actually get some motivation but only from you.
When I'm not trying to concentrate in school I'm either writing, drawing and just wishing I could be with you. I wish for that a lot. I can't wait til it can actually happen. I'll be thee happiest ever because the moment I met you I knew it would be the first chapter to the rest of my life to be living in joy and longing to have you as my wife. and I only fall more in love as each day is better than the last even though to me quite slow has it felt that these last months have passed.. There are so many words to explain how I feel but none worthy enough to explain how real. Each morning I wake up to think of you even better when I actually hear from you to go to a day that consists of me writing which may seem like forever but just know all the words I write and say are true. I wish to be able to look into your gorgeous blue eyes and further realize that our love and passion will last long. Because you always manage to prove where I belong. The words you say touch every piece of my heart. I wish we didn't have times where we'd have to depart. And I know sometimes together our eyes weep But in the end our love is still strong and even more deep. In our dreams is where you and I meet again. In each others heart and soul we'll be till the end. The messages that you show of love that I get on my phone, I read over and over again when I'm sitting alone. The moment I hear your voice makes everything alright. Knowing that you love me helps me sleep at night. At the end of the day I think how lucky I am to have you in my life and to call you mine.
So yeh I'm trying hard to think of what to write so I can make this seem al worth while but really I don't know what to say.. I hope I didn't disappoint you.. after today yeh iono but one thing I hold on hope for is that it can only get better. I still love how this morning was so great. Really you are truly amazing and I can't say how much I love you.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will
(I'll write more on later heh)
<3 | | |
| So I’m currently sitting in ISS and it is rather boring. It is so frickin’ hard to keep myself awake. I’m so bored your words are making sense. Ah yay just now got a text back cuz thas all I’m doing is just staring at my phone as I take a pause from typing this. –checks phone- You asked what I’m thinking about at the moment and it just happens to be this and also about you. –replies back- hmm now what to say… my eyes are so heavy hah ish bit hard to keep them open but ah well my fault. Always thinking I have to stay up. I wanted to go to that show so bad yesterday but noo sleeping issue once again. And about this eating disorder.. am I really getting one? I don’t know how one can forget to eat but it happens to me a lot. I get too easily distracted but yet all I can do is focus on one thing. The one and only that is. If you don’t know what I’m speaking of then geez aren’t I doing a horrid job at making that obvious =P –checks phone- yay you’re writing me letter heh –replies- I have yet to even send you anything. That’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to talk to my dad tonight .. err fuck. His goddamn shuffle bowl. –checks phone- yay love of my life =] hah I like how I’m typing out my actions to my phone see how bored or lame I am either/or iono. Rawrr. I want a fruit roll-up. Watching Kiki Kannibal and her going on about how she wanted one makes me crave one. I don’t know watching her is entertaining. No, not because she’s this internet famous person thas supposedly all perfect or whatever the hell, I don’t like her nor do I dislike her. I just think when she goes off on someone it occurs in humorous ways. And I can’t help but be amused heh. Ah forgot to reply –replies- My laptop is currently at 52% that is like 2 and a half hours left and I have 4, 5 and 7th periods left.. I hope it can make it because I shall die without having my music or something..ah wait! I have my plugin to my ipod I can just charge that for plan B just in case hah & my neck hurtsss and saying that in my head made me sound like a snake. Snakes are so fucking creepy I’m seriously traumatized of them –checks phone- yay =] –replies- Since I’m the only lame one in here that actually synchronized to the teacher I wonder if she’s watching what I’m doing? Nah I’d prolly get in trouble by now –checks phone- hmm 3 messages and something stinks. Like burnt breakfast.. nice. Anyway goddamn that smell… -replies- err meanie said maybe I’ll get to see what you’re writing one day heh whoa that was fast –checks phone- I almost wanted to spell that with an F which reminds me quite lotz of my grades.. you just told me to talk.. and that seems like all I’m doing but yeh I guess you shall read this and see. Nice one, she tells you to talk and you say you miss her.. hah what kinda conversation is that xP but it’s the truth.. all I’m doing is typing this wishing I could actually be talking to you instead of just hearing myself in my head. K so I’m staring off into space.. I really hope I don’t pass out today.. ish kinda embarrassing cuz people are all like omg are you okay??? Or teachers get concerned and try to send me off to the hospital or something and all I say is get the fuck away I’m tired. What I’m typing is already 2 pages. Maybe I should call it quits before I bore you too death as I’m feeling now heh so yeah amber has yet to text back but thas ok I tell her I miss her and she doesn’t say anything haha makes sense but anyway sorry for saying rambling. It’s all pointless and has nothing to do with well anything.. so bye! | | |
| So yeah this I basically what I have been writng out for the past week and I still don't think I'm quite done with it but since I promised I have to learn to start sticking to those more so yus here I be typing what I got from memory.
I don't quite know what to say to give you words to take your breath away.
Just know I try each day to fight for those thoughts to bring me closer to you.
I'm no where near expecting this to of any importance but just stuff I've been thinking about or going through or what I have been feeling so yeh iono, hope ya enjoy, even if I know you won't
Soo one thing that bothers me the most that makes me feel so pathetic is when I know you read about someone else's writing and I think today was a perfect example of that. Just was so weird that I was writing about it then it has to go and happen xP but yeah any writing of any sort from any person, guy, girl the writing can be old or new, it can be pointless or so meangingful, stupid and random or intellectual and to the point. Just all of it from another person makes me feel either 1) Inferior 2) Envious 3) Jealous 4) Trying to hard 5) Waste of Time Those are a very of retarded mixed emotions I get once I know. Like it's different with authors and stuff who actually got published and have their right to be in that ranking of good writing. (Even though some aren't the best) I just never have to worry about them, it just counts for any person that expresses themxelves that has a lasting effect with you (You should very well know who I'm speaking of) Thinking that their words can so easily replace mine and that they have so much more to say then I could ever makes me feel so lame to get upset over but I guess that's why I don't really write that much. or if I do I don't care to share because I think "oh, what a letdown I'll be compared to all these others that have left an impression with her" I don't know I get so focused on thinking I'm the worst when it comes to things I have no confidence in. Like writing for perfect example..right now at this very moment as you're reading this I feel pretty damn confident that I'm wasting your time. I hate that. Makes me scared to speak, makes me scared to read something, makes me scared to think something that will become known. Im so fucking insecure it's not even funny. Or maybe it is because here I am going on about how much I dislike my abilites of writing yet these keys are still ebing pressed and my mind is still feeling the need to rant. I don't know. I want to impress you so much. A part of me says you don't have to do that, she loves you for you, another part says no you have to be the best because these flaws you see are more than make believe so make them non-existent. You do have to be the greatest you can. Another part then says no you can't ever amount to anything so stop while you can. But no I refuse I fight with myself on knowing what's write and what's wrong on what's for better or for worst. It just happens. I don't know how to stop it. I may seem simple minded but I make things most complex without meaning to. As far as being able to read my mind..I think it's a pretty easy task once you really know who I am but if I feel somehtin entirely different that conflicts with that even reading myself is hard to comprehend. So having someone else try and understand is another battle to be won. Only one person can break the barrior. Sometimes we put up walls not to keep others out but to see who cares enough to tear them down. rawr I hate my font. Ish being quite gay. Not literally speaking of course. And the whole font thing made me lose what I was going on about.. ah fuckity fuckfuck. x.x so I'll just go off how I'm feeling now and continue to type whatever nonsense I have left to say some other time.. so please be satisfied with what I got even if it's not good enough.. I tried I'm sorry.. but alright how I'm feeling at the moment. next thought on my mind is that I think Amber fell asleep. err wait *amber I remember her writing something in an about me that she likes it better lowercased but yeah then I thought of you about that so yeah just a random side note I took noticed about you. but moving on to the next thought being in ISS ah it's so fucking boring. Just sitting there all day.. staring off into space well no I actually get work done so I guess thas the one and only good thing about it. Also along with that Im scared of what my dad will say.. thinking I'm acting out again and need some punishment for it because he's drinking tomorrow but I dont know.. and I'm really starting to notice that without meaning to i bite my tongue on the sides because it feels weird when I close my mouth all the way.. so my tongue is like there to set it even but then it starts hurting because I'm biting it but anyway,. randon once again. I don't like it. I even sleep that way. I'm scared I'm gonna one day bite my tongue off haha like if someone hits my jaw and I'm like that ah man that would kill. rawrr nevermind that bit.. Next thing on my mind it's curently 1:17 and I think I type pretty fast but I think slow.. I don't even think about anything in particular.. I just write whatever comes to mind. I wish I could speak like that. but when talking to people I feel quite highly of I still think to speak in such terms that suits. Or to think of thoughts worth hearing out.. even though I'm always told differently I'm such a weird kid,. I was brought up in such weird ways.. I blame my parents and my surroundings to cause such lack of decent quialities heh or maybe that's just my fault.. I think it is.. I learn to adapt to my surroundings so when something is bad I learn to block it out when something is good I appreciate it all I can and never ask for more I just be thankful for what I have. It's weird that I used to be so used to getting what I want then the so-called dramatic point in my life where all I wanted got taken away and I lost it all along with the urge to fight for what I want because I'm so scared of failure or of rejection in reaching that.. well not all the time. If something upsets me enough to speak out I actually learned that I act on it. and that really surprised me that I can do that.. I'm always so soft spoken and quiet about everything. I don't know. This is already getting long and I feel as if I haven't even reached my point. I guess there isn't one. I'm just stating what's on my mind and how I'm feeling, no poetic verses, no detailed form, no words that rhyme, or no words that just seem to fit. This is just me writing what words I know that seem to get thrown together as I type. So I think this shall be my stopping point. I know this prolly isn't what you were expecting but I guess it's better than nothing and I'm sorry i went off typing to make you fall asleep on the phone. but yes I miss you but I'm still here. I prolly shouldn't be.. I don't want your dad to get on you about being on the phone again heh so yes I'll continue to write later when I think it's a suitable time to express myself. Sorry again if this is something unworthy to linger on or makes you think low of my status because of how I think or feel about things. I love you, amber. xx ( didnt take the time to read over it so if there's mistakes feel free to point the out xP )
ps: I had so much more written out in my notebook I'll be sure to get that on here as well. | | |
| Someone I really cared about, I didn't really love them so I broke up with her, so yeah I'm single now, there's just someone I really want to be with but I don't have a chance with her and thinking of that. I actually cried >.< geez what a loser... so I told the person I'm always thinking of that it was them that I always wrote about, have no idea how that will turn out...I'm kind of scared to face that situation, but nonetheless I still shall, I've been called a chicken shit and I wish not to be that, so yeah. I'm feeling rather empty and can't help but feel worthless...yeah, but whatever, goodnight. | | |
| You are so controversial
A mystery unfolding even as we speak
Just when I think I know you
You change from night to day
And back again
You're like a shape shifter
Ever changing
There's something new to learn about you at every turn
And I find myself lost in the wonder of you
I know there's a fire burning within you
The need to run that extra mile
To try and tie it all together like a puzzle
But sometimes the pieces don't always fit
So you do the best you can with what you have
It's better to be who you really are
So tell me your secrets
Tell me your fears
I will do my best to understand
And listen with an open mind
I want to know it all
I will not pass judgment upon you
Anything and everything is magical about you
My only wish is that you realize that too. | | |
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